Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
