I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
