1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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