In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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