yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
