Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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