he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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