Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Couch. On fire.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
