these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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