did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
