the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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