Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
