I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
