I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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