Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize