Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
