Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
