I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
