I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
