we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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