He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
