The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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