You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
