How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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