i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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