Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I didn't notice because vodka
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
