wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
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It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.