By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
