My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.