he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating