A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
from now on my penis is your penis
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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