that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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