I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
