Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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