he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
