I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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