Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
