I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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