Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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