:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
