happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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