just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
