Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
