she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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