John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have surprise drugs for everyone
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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