SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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