you have to choose: penises or morals?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
