All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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