i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
