Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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