god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
