Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
