capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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