We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
