my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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