tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have aggressive nipples.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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