It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
