Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
