Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
