If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
