When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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